A Gay White Man’s Apology to People of Color
Last fall my fiancé and I pulled up to the townhome complex excited to see the advertised rental unit. The location would offer us a perfect commute; the size of the unit matched our needs; and the online photos showed a lovely open floor plan, lots of windows, and all of the nice features a recently-built townhome could offer.
We pulled into a parking spot and oriented ourselves to find the correct unit where we would meet Amber, the complex manager, for a showing. We got out of the car, joined hands, and walked towards the rental we hoped to soon call ours.
However, the closer we approached, I began to feel nervous; and I wasn’t sure why until after I saw Amber step out of the open garage. Instantly, the first thing I noticed was her stylish cold-shoulder top exposing her shoulders and a small, elegant tattoo. “Thank God!” I thought as I exhaled a sigh of relief “She’s not Mormon — or at least not a very devout one.”
I realized then why I began to feel nervous. There we were, a gay couple in Utah making their way to see what they hoped would become their first shared home together. And her visible apparent lack of “Mormon-ness” just dramatically lowered the chances we would have issues getting the lease simply because we were a gay couple.
I grew up devoutly Mormon. Yes, I was a closeted gay person for 35 years of my life (up until a couple of years ago), but I had sure tried hard to be a good, straight Mormon man and trust that suffering through life with the “trial” of being gay would one day pay off with incredible blessings and bliss in the afterlife… I’ve since moved beyond Mormonism, but coming to that decision was painful and nearly cost me my life. However, I left that culture fully aware of how many (not all) in the faith viewed queer people (and now me) — especially those who choose to live life as their authentic selves as I finally decided to do.
Sure, things have improved over the years in the hearts and minds of many individual Mormons. And yes, Utah now has laws on the books to protect queer people from housing discrimination. But at the end of the day, I’m not stupid. Law or no law, you can’t tell me there isn’t a chance a devout Mormon landlord who believes gay couples are a “threat to society and the traditional family” isn’t going to quietly offer an advertised rental to a cute, married straight couple with a small toddler over me and my fiancé? Discrimination? Indeed. But you couldn’t prove it. And yet, such a landlord may not be able to even see their homophobic bias, let alone acknowledge their discriminatory choice. Few people actually want (or intend) to be a jerk, but that’s not the point. The point is that when our paradigm is built on certain beliefs, we will operate according to them whether we’re aware of it or not. Even if those beliefs are harmful or incorrect, they’re still our beliefs and we are programmed to operate in harmony with them.
My Former Views on Race
When the Black Lives Matter movement first started several years ago, I was still living in my conservative, Mormon, “gotta-try-and-be-a-good-straight-boy” state of mind. To say the least, I was offended. “What?! White lives don’t matter?!” I remember thinking. “How rude!”, I thought. I even remember trying to promote #alllivesmatter a couple of times on social media in a weak and ignorant attempt to retaliate.
Colin Kaepernick?! “How DARE you disrespect our great country and the many who have given their lives for the freedoms YOU enjoy!”
“I’m not racist! Nor is any other white person I’m closely associated with, so quit saying that we are!”
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…
It took coming out of the closet, divorcing my wife and painfully breaking free of a powerful religious psychological matrix, to finally realize that I, as an openly gay man living in the Mormon capital of the world, now had to think differently about my place in the dominant culture. And yet, I’m still white; and I’m still a cis-gendered male… My experience with the fear of homophobic discrimination and implicit bias doesn’t even come close to what African Americans, Native Americans, Latinx, Asians, and other people of color have had to endure in America (and many other countries) for centuries.
My Sincere Apology
Needless to say, after my coming-out and change-of-life experience, I now see the world differently. I see people through a much more organic and compassionate lens, and I mourn a former self who not only didn’t want to see it, but who literally couldn’t because of all of the generational bullshit my innocent mind was filled with from Day 1 on this planet. And while it wasn’t my fault I was taught the beliefs that built my former paradigm, awareness has empowered me to begin changing it. Awareness gives us all the ability to consciously choose to see the world differently. It allows us the chance to abandon the autopilot mode of our subconscious programming, and open our hearts and minds to see things from the perspective of others. It allows us to challenge the way we previously saw things.
During the last few years, I have found myself eagerly trying to recognize and challenge harmful beliefs and all forms of prejudice and stereotype that I find surface within myself. However, the recent and heartbreaking murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Aubrey, and the baffling Amy Cooper story, have flooded my heart with a painful recognition that I am not doing enough, nor am I taking the plight of my dear Black brothers and sisters nearly as urgent and serious as I should.
It is to these dear friends, my fellow humans, that I humbly and sincerely wish to say, I AM SORRY. I am sorry I was not able to see and hear the messages you have been trying to send us, the privileged and predominant race in this country, for so long. I am sorry you have been so hurt by our lack of awareness and willingness to overlook your pain in exchange for feel-goods about ourselves and all of the “great progress” we thought we “already” made. I am sorry for the hurtful and barbaric actions and paradigms of past White people and even some of my own ancestors. While I may not be responsible for the terrible atrocities of the past, I now better see and understand how the false beliefs and ensuing actions of my ancestors and their fellow white men created a wide chasm of advantage between us today. Here I was for so long ignorantly believing we all stood on the same, level piece of American ground with all of the same “rights and opportunities” so many soldiers thought they died for… And yet, by and large, we have actually been standing on separate, divided planes the entire time. I couldn’t see it until now. And I am sorry.
I humbly write this not as an authority on the subject of white privilege. To the contrary, I recognize I am still very ignorant on the subject. Instead, I write this to simply acknowledge that I now hear you with different ears. My expanded heart now mourns with you more fervently, and I now see you with clearer vision. I commit to doing better in educating myself and others. I want to hear you (and really LISTEN this time). I want to understand how I can help and what I can do to ensure you are seen and that your beautiful lives and rights are cherished, honored, and valued exactly the same as the rest of us.
I eagerly wish to peacefully, yet powerfully, walk with you and work together in forging a better world — a world where prejudice and hate die and can no longer be transplanted to the innocent, beautiful minds of coming generations. For the first time in my life, I see and recognize the urgency. We all need this to fully heal as a people and to heal our beautiful planet.
Please teach me. You have my full and undivided attention at last.
